Readiness

In the education world, we talk a lot about readiness.  (Or maybe that's me and my one or two super-colleagues.  In the age of standardized testing and forced progress, there's not a lot of room for readiness.  But anyway!)  Being a first grade teacher, we eat, sleep, and live READING.  From September, I am committed to getting every child to read, understand, and (hopefully) love literature.  In spite of my repeated one-on-one conferences, guided reading groups, read alouds (who can resist "Pete the Cat" and "Mercy Watson?"  Anyone?  Anyone?), I'll be darned if there aren't a few who progress more slowly than others.  Contrary to what the research, data, and evaluations may pressure us to believe, I try to maintain the belief that I need to relax.  That my students are okay.  They'll do it when they're ready.  Sometimes it's not until January, February, or even March, but each one shows me that they are, in fact, "okay," and at some point, they're ready to fly.  (Non-educators, stay with me!)

I have been "church shopping" since I moved up here.  I love church, love the idea of making weekly worship a practice, and have always loved my second church family I grew up with.  Long story short, it has been hard to find one that is a good fit.  I could never really tell if it was the church that didn't feel right or the fact that nothing is going to feel the same as the place you have gone to breathe in God since you were five years old.

I could laugh, cry, or sing when I tell my friends that I think I have found one.  I have been visiting a church for the past few weeks that feels just warm enough, gutsy enough, bursting at the seams with love enough to be a match.  The first day I went there, the pastor told me that he had been to my church, knew my pastor, and was sure he really must miss me up here.  (Not too proud to say I bawled my eyes out on the way home and called my sister immediately!)  Since then, I have met various hospitable members of the congregation who welcomed me, sang with me, had coffee with me, and earnestly tried to see me for who I am.  I feel safe, and I feel like I may have found my next church home. 

The thing is, I am not sure if this is all about the church being so much more special than the others (although special, it is!) or if, this time, I am just ready.  Ready to make the commitment to God and to myself that I WILL learn and grow in faith with other people, on a regular basis.  (Something I proudly texted to my family, as I rolled out of bed post-party, Sunday morning, on 4 hours of sleep!  I totally consider myself a scandalous Christian... my mom is so proud.)

I have made a commitment to being more "zen" this year.  To making God a priority, to choosing more reflecting, more yoga, more journaling, more praying, more meditation, more "being present."  Last night, I came home from yoga and found that I didn't even want to watch The Bachelor.  (This from the queen of reality TV...)  I have tried to give up/ limit my reality TV intake before, with little success.  Lately, though, I feel that I have internalized that it's not good for me.  (After every episode, I feel like I lack so many things-- a man,  endless bling, fancy cars, a book deal, beautiful kids, etc.  Not to mention, the drama!  I go to bed choosing sides between Teresa and Melissa...)

The only explanation I have for this recent change is that, although I tried to force myself before, now I am ready to devote more time to other things, such as reading or keeping in touch with my friends on the phone.  (Not that I won't indulge in reality TV from time to time, or that there's anything wrong with it as a guilty pleasure... I just know it's not great for me.)  I am okay.  And now, maybe, I'm ready.

I'm going to hold onto this the next time I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be.  I'm believing for myself, just like I do for my kids, that I really am okay.  Where I am is enough.  And whatever I'm meant to do, I'll do it when I'm ready. 

And I believe it for you, too.

Thank you on a Sunday morning

Dear Man in the Pew in Front of Me who said hello to me and introduced me to your sweet family,

Thank you.  Perhaps without realizing it, you made this makeup-less, scratched glasses-wearing, disheveled haired girl (Sorry, God, I’ll try to put more effort into getting dressed next time) feel secure.  It is not easy to “shop” for new churches, especially if you are a liberal wannabe-hippie-yet-sometimes-traditionalist church-seeker like me.  Every time I try out a new church, I sit in the back, glance at the elderly members, families, and couples, and wonder where my spot should be.  I feel reminded that I am young and single and uncertain of where I fit in.

Somehow you understood this and made me feel like I mattered, by asking me what brought me there today, smiling and really listening.  You invited me to coffee hour and didn’t just dump me by the sugar bowl to go talk to other people like so many have done, but proceeded to introduce me to your friends, share stories about your wife and children, and listen to me gush about my students.  It wasn’t to get anything in return (a babysitter, a choir member, a potential job connection) and it wasn’t to hit on me (you are probably 20 years older than me and clearly head-over-heels for your wife).  It was (I believe) because you understand that we all come to church a little lonely, a little broken, looking for someone who really sees us.  We are each, in our own way, coming to make sense of this life, seek forgiveness when we fail miserably, and heal.

I grew up in a close-knit church, and if I know God exists, it is because I was surrounded by angels who showed me that every Sunday and throughout the week.  Yet, shown your simple act of kindness, of acceptance, I ask myself if I have extended the same to visitors of my church in the past.  Or to new colleagues at work, new classmates, new dancers at Zumba.  I don’t think I have.  I believe I was too wrapped up in the people and things that mattered to me to look around and realize that there were others around me, feeling a little lonely, waiting for someone to really see them.

Thank you for reminding me that we cannot fully love God without doing this.  That we cannot call ourselves believers in what is good without stepping outside of ourselves to see others as they are, looking at them, and really listening.

It is my mission to change this week.  Thank you for showing me how.

Sincerely,

Lizzy

If you give a girl a pancake...

I have decided that I hate January.  It's cold, dark, the holidays are over and work stress is back with a vengeance, and did I mention it's cold?  Freezing? And it just feels like there is no end in sight.

Because of this, I have been trying to put as many fun activities in place as possible...  Jessie visited my school and slept over, I was invited to go into the city last weekend, I am buying my very own curling iron this weekend... (I may be reaching with that one... A cruise was not in the budget.)  Come on, fun stuff!  Take that, January!

One of these fabulous, fun events included a "Pancake Party." (inspired by Jimbo, of Rach and Jim, my fave couple).  PS- if you haven't seen this, you need to-- once again, thank you, Jimbo!  (See why I love them?)

While they couldn't make it (missed you guys!), I was still able to pull together a low-key wintry brunch with a few of my good friends, delicious food, laughter, conversation, oh, and mimosas.  Most importantly, mimosas.  (Shout-outs to MK (and her pastries!), Dana (and her fruit I am still eating), and Stephanie (and the strangely addicting chocolate covered rice cakes!) )

Before food

After food

 

Somebody tell me why I wasn't the first one to think of these!

 There is something magical to me about when my friends from different places interact.  When I sit around the table with friends from college and work (more on my work family in another post), I feel filled up.  I am already so lucky to have friends who treat me so well, but when they connect with each other, that is a blessing to me and I could watch it all day.  And on the outside, I was my charming hostess-y self (at least I hope!), but on the inside, I was practically singing, celebrating that I am blessed by amazing women in my life.  The friendships that exist between women are a wonder to behold.

In college, Lexie was always ready to take over if I was feeling overwhelmed...  Today, I saw that not much has changed-- before I knew it, she was on pancake duty! :)

January blues are gone, and I have deemed that the world needs more brunches.  And because the first grade teacher in me cannot help herself... If you give a girl a pancake, she's gonna need some girlfriends to go with it.

Counting my blessings!

Getting there....

Slight confession:  When it comes to finding love, one could say I am conflicted, confused, and just haven't figured it out yet.

And because I believe vulnerability is beautiful, I feel the call or desire to write this in my small attempt to make sense of it.  (And in the hopes that maybe a girlfriend or two of mine will read it and think, "Amen, sister!")

I have really only been in one serious relationship ever, and that was with the first boy I fell in love with in college and it was gorgeous while it lasted, but we are two very different people.  I ignored this fact and was devastated when after 2 and a half years, it ended and I realized we weren't going to get married and last forever as I had thought. (Classic, I know, but at the time it shook me... I'm a fairy tale believer, what can I say? ;) )

Heartbroken, depressed, and needy slowly gave way to happy, confident, beloved, and blessed.  I reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and re-discovered God's love, something which I had pushed aside during my years in my relationship, but that was, ironically, the first thing to catch me when I fell.  I vowed to stop asking when I would meet my next guy, and to just enjoy being single and embracing each moment.

After about two years of embracing, not looking, not caring, I started to listen to other voices.  These were voices that told me things like, "You are not going to find someone staying in drinking wine with your girlfriends," "If you are not open, how can you be ready again?" and my favorite, "Maybe it's time to put yourself out there."  Whether these were people or my own insecurities, the message was the same:  STOP saying you don't NEED a man because that's why you're single, and if you don't turn it around, you will be single forever.

Even my beloved Iyanla Vanzant said (on her fabulous show "Fix My Life") "Anything that keeps you self-sufficient is going to move yourself away from your desire to be partnered."

So I joined not one but three online dating sites, contacted old friends, went out more, begged family and friends to set me up.  Many interesting, humorous, and occasionally painful dates...  but in the end, nothing. 

I made a vision board-- because, come on, clearly God and the universe were not hearing HOW much I want this--  and ... still nothing.  (Meanwhile, watching girls I have grown up with continue to get engaged has not made this a whole lot easier!)

I have somehow come to the following revelation:  If God knows that you have been wanting to get married and start a family since you were a little girl, would He really be trying to keep it from you because you're not trying or asking hard enough?  Clearly, if it hasn't happened yet, it's because He has something better for you in mind.

I have decided to leave my singleness in God's hands.  My new mantra is, "It will find you when you STOP looking."  The challenge of course being that it's almost always on my mind and it's so hard to stop looking!  But I truly do believe that if I quiet the other voices and my own insecurities, I will hear God saying, "Relax! I got this covered.  For now, where you are is ENOUGH." 

So for now, I will focus on the love that is in my life.  On friends and family and kids and church and taking the good stuff in, like coffee and red wine and pancakes and sleepovers and sparkly heels and fuzzy sheets...

However, I'm not giving up hope for the day love does find me, because who wouldn't want THIS?

It was getting too serious... I had to! :)

Goals for 2013

In the hopes of having some accountability, these are my goals for 2013.  Feliz ano nuevo!

1.  Eat breakfast every day.

2.  Eat lunch at lunchtime, even if it just means stopping work for 10 minutes to eat.

3.  Drink more water, and pee while I have support in my room... dehydration sucks.

4.  Leave school earlier.  4:30?  5:00?  Anytime before 7:00? ;)

5.  Go to the gym after school.  (Apparently it's not enough just to carry that thing on your key ring!)

6.  Find a church and go regularly!  (This may already be in the works.)

7.  Spend more time with friends and less time at school.

8.  Connect God to my career...  Listen, look for signs-- am I fulfilling my purpose or does God want me to do something different?

This book has really been helping me with that...

9.  Recognize that God and I have different timelines.  (Who am I to say I should have been married by 25?  God is lining me up for blessings and lessons better than I can imagine right now!)

10.  Let go of my desire to find love-- be grateful and remember that my person will find me when I finally STOP looking!  (Letting go and being open is SO hard for me to do at the same time!)

Oof, my work is cut out for me!  I'm glad I have all year to put these goals into action! ;)