Great friends whom I have known for years
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| This picture is courtesy of the beautiful Lexie... |
Surviving my birthday
Watching my baby sister and soul-mate graduate!
There has been so much going on that I have left a lot of internal desires/ goals just kind of stewing and put on hold. However, over the past month or so it has also become clear to me that my dream of going to Latin America to teach is to be put off for a little while longer... And while it's okay, (more than okay-- have you met my friends/ family?)... I can't help but feel disappointed and frustrated. Come on, God... I've been praying. I want to find the person for me after I go abroad, and not before! Now I'm putting off finding my husband even longer! Or what if I meet someone before I leave and he convinces me to never go?
As I explored this more, I realized that it comes from a tendency of mine to want everything right away. I have wanted to teach kindergarten practically since I graduated from kindergarten! I have wanted to get married since elementary school, and have had my future children's names picked out since I was probably fourteen.
I have wanted to teach abroad since high school, and now that I have explored, accepted, and confirmed that, the fact that I haven't achieved it yet disappoints me too.
When I broke up with my first boyfriend, it took me an embarrassingly long time to let go of the life that I thought I would have. (To be clear, I was with an awesome person, and blessed by the experience, but letting go of what I thought my life would be was just as hard for me as letting go of him.)
When I think of what I had imagined my life would look like now, I can't help but ask myself if this new plan of mine to go away is yet another defense mechanism, convincing myself that I'm okay, and that I actually prefer to be single right now. But in not wanting to meet someone until I come back from living abroad, am I actually closing myself off to new love, new relationships, new experiences? It is such a hard thing to balance, but I'm learning that this, too, is part of growing up. (And if it's just me, please don't tell me... I will live with my delusions! ;) )
Last night I had a dream. I was married to a good man and I was pregnant. We were living in the U.S. I was happy. I woke up feeling like this dream was telling me to trust in God and be open to every experience that comes. Because as much as I would love to live and teach abroad, that would be pretty sweet, too.
Here's to staying open... and blooming.
