I have not blogged in forever, mostly due to the fact that I
used to write about the struggles journey of being a single woman, and at the moment I am not that girl. And while the man I am dating is confident in
ways that most days I can only aspire to be, I feel like any time before, oh I
don’t know, the 10 month mark might be a little too soon to start making blog
posts about our relationship. But I have
missed expressing myself through words and more than that I have missed the “me
toos” of friends and family, distant and intimate, so here goes!
I am happier than I have been in a long time at work, at
home, and in my relationships. (I don’t
feel stuck anymore.) I am
grateful for a supportive administrator at school, a team-mate
(work wife) in my classroom, a healthy and loving relationship, and an
apartment that is close to my parents and the beach (not to mention 3 minutes
from my work)!
I actually feel like I am right where I need to be. I sleep better these days, knowing that is
true. It feels amazing.
K. However…
I miss my North Jersey friends. And I miss my old students with an ache that
physically will not leave me. I
still can’t look at pictures of them! I
miss my old work family and how easy it was for me to get together with my
girlfriends there for last-minute Thai food and wine. I miss being able to say, “I teach with my
best friends.”
When I first moved and started working here, I thought to myself,
“This will get easier. One day, you’ll
be able to look back at your old school/ life, and you won’t miss the people
who were a part of that as much.” It has
been several months and the missing them part has Not. Gotten. Easier.
But the truth is, I always have had a hard time
letting go of people, places, and experiences.
Saying goodbye has always been painful for me. (Isn’t it this way for all of us, if the
thing we’re letting go of was ever worth having in the first place?) My sister will tell you I get sad leaving
people I meet on vacation. (Not even
other guests. The people who work
there. I still haven’t gotten over
Leroy, our maintenance man who fixed our hot water situation in Jamaica. Leroy, if you’re reading this, I love you. :) ) My heart still hurts for Honduras. (My dream of going back there
hasn’t gone away either. But let’s save that for
another day.) And the 12 hour car ride
home from visiting relatives in Ohio is always a sad, long trip—I get
melancholy about leaving my cousins then too, even though I know I will see
them again the following year!
The other day I wondered to myself about what it would be
like to not feel this way… To not have
my heart hurt for experiences and people I have loved, feelings I have felt
deeply. Would I be happier, would life
be easier, if goodbyes were easier to say?
If I didn’t seem to get attached to anyone and everyone I meet?
No, I think I prefer it this way. To know that even if it hurts like hell to
let go, to know that I lived and loved the most that I could at each moment. So I will probably continue to miss my North
Jersey friends, but I will find peace in the fact that if we always stay in the same
place, we can’t grow. And hopefully
someday soon, I’ll be able to look at pictures of my old kids again, and smile! ;)
* Title quote taken from Catcher in the Rye by J. D.
Salinger
