Readiness

In the education world, we talk a lot about readiness.  (Or maybe that's me and my one or two super-colleagues.  In the age of standardized testing and forced progress, there's not a lot of room for readiness.  But anyway!)  Being a first grade teacher, we eat, sleep, and live READING.  From September, I am committed to getting every child to read, understand, and (hopefully) love literature.  In spite of my repeated one-on-one conferences, guided reading groups, read alouds (who can resist "Pete the Cat" and "Mercy Watson?"  Anyone?  Anyone?), I'll be darned if there aren't a few who progress more slowly than others.  Contrary to what the research, data, and evaluations may pressure us to believe, I try to maintain the belief that I need to relax.  That my students are okay.  They'll do it when they're ready.  Sometimes it's not until January, February, or even March, but each one shows me that they are, in fact, "okay," and at some point, they're ready to fly.  (Non-educators, stay with me!)

I have been "church shopping" since I moved up here.  I love church, love the idea of making weekly worship a practice, and have always loved my second church family I grew up with.  Long story short, it has been hard to find one that is a good fit.  I could never really tell if it was the church that didn't feel right or the fact that nothing is going to feel the same as the place you have gone to breathe in God since you were five years old.

I could laugh, cry, or sing when I tell my friends that I think I have found one.  I have been visiting a church for the past few weeks that feels just warm enough, gutsy enough, bursting at the seams with love enough to be a match.  The first day I went there, the pastor told me that he had been to my church, knew my pastor, and was sure he really must miss me up here.  (Not too proud to say I bawled my eyes out on the way home and called my sister immediately!)  Since then, I have met various hospitable members of the congregation who welcomed me, sang with me, had coffee with me, and earnestly tried to see me for who I am.  I feel safe, and I feel like I may have found my next church home. 

The thing is, I am not sure if this is all about the church being so much more special than the others (although special, it is!) or if, this time, I am just ready.  Ready to make the commitment to God and to myself that I WILL learn and grow in faith with other people, on a regular basis.  (Something I proudly texted to my family, as I rolled out of bed post-party, Sunday morning, on 4 hours of sleep!  I totally consider myself a scandalous Christian... my mom is so proud.)

I have made a commitment to being more "zen" this year.  To making God a priority, to choosing more reflecting, more yoga, more journaling, more praying, more meditation, more "being present."  Last night, I came home from yoga and found that I didn't even want to watch The Bachelor.  (This from the queen of reality TV...)  I have tried to give up/ limit my reality TV intake before, with little success.  Lately, though, I feel that I have internalized that it's not good for me.  (After every episode, I feel like I lack so many things-- a man,  endless bling, fancy cars, a book deal, beautiful kids, etc.  Not to mention, the drama!  I go to bed choosing sides between Teresa and Melissa...)

The only explanation I have for this recent change is that, although I tried to force myself before, now I am ready to devote more time to other things, such as reading or keeping in touch with my friends on the phone.  (Not that I won't indulge in reality TV from time to time, or that there's anything wrong with it as a guilty pleasure... I just know it's not great for me.)  I am okay.  And now, maybe, I'm ready.

I'm going to hold onto this the next time I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be.  I'm believing for myself, just like I do for my kids, that I really am okay.  Where I am is enough.  And whatever I'm meant to do, I'll do it when I'm ready. 

And I believe it for you, too.