And because I believe vulnerability is beautiful, I feel the call or desire to write this in my small attempt to make sense of it. (And in the hopes that maybe a girlfriend or two of mine will read it and think, "Amen, sister!")
I have really only been in one serious relationship ever, and that was with the first boy I fell in love with in college and it was gorgeous while it lasted, but we are two very different people. I ignored this fact and was devastated when after 2 and a half years, it ended and I realized we weren't going to get married and last forever as I had thought. (Classic, I know, but at the time it shook me... I'm a fairy tale believer, what can I say? ;) )
Heartbroken, depressed, and needy slowly gave way to happy, confident, beloved, and blessed. I reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and re-discovered God's love, something which I had pushed aside during my years in my relationship, but that was, ironically, the first thing to catch me when I fell. I vowed to stop asking when I would meet my next guy, and to just enjoy being single and embracing each moment.
After about two years of embracing, not looking, not caring, I started to listen to other voices. These were voices that told me things like, "You are not going to find someone staying in drinking wine with your girlfriends," "If you are not open, how can you be ready again?" and my favorite, "Maybe it's time to put yourself out there." Whether these were people or my own insecurities, the message was the same: STOP saying you don't NEED a man because that's why you're single, and if you don't turn it around, you will be single forever.
Even my beloved Iyanla Vanzant said (on her fabulous show "Fix My Life") "Anything that keeps you self-sufficient is going to move yourself away from your desire to be partnered."
So I joined not one but three online dating sites, contacted old friends, went out more, begged family and friends to set me up. Many interesting, humorous, and occasionally painful dates... but in the end, nothing.
I made a vision board-- because, come on, clearly God and the universe were not hearing HOW much I want this-- and ... still nothing. (Meanwhile, watching girls I have grown up with continue to get engaged has not made this a whole lot easier!)
I have somehow come to the following revelation: If God knows that you have been wanting to get married and start a family since you were a little girl, would He really be trying to keep it from you because you're not trying or asking hard enough? Clearly, if it hasn't happened yet, it's because He has something better for you in mind.
I have decided to leave my singleness in God's hands. My new mantra is, "It will find you when you STOP looking." The challenge of course being that it's almost always on my mind and it's so hard to stop looking! But I truly do believe that if I quiet the other voices and my own insecurities, I will hear God saying, "Relax! I got this covered. For now, where you are is ENOUGH."
So for now, I will focus on the love that is in my life. On friends and family and kids and church and taking the good stuff in, like coffee and red wine and pancakes and sleepovers and sparkly heels and fuzzy sheets...
However, I'm not giving up hope for the day love does find me, because who wouldn't want THIS?
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| It was getting too serious... I had to! :) |
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