For the majority of last year, I was on a love search that
resulted in me swearing off the search, proclaiming that now is enough, and
that love will find me when I stop looking.
For the past month, I have done just that, and it has been
fabulous. I have fallen in love with
yoga, found a church, continued to love on the people in my LIFE, and of
course, God! I have been so so grateful
that urge to find someone has not been around.
That panic that grabs me when I see yet another person get engaged,
driving me to sob in the shower or curl up in my bed, has not come around here
for over a month. (To clarify,
engaged girlfriends—I am so very excited and happy for you and your upcoming
weddings. I just can’t help that I want
it too… so badly. I hope that you can understand
how it’s possible to feel both things.)
So while I have been thankful for this newfound sense of
peace, I am also aware that a “down period” might always be just around the
corner. I used to believe that in life
we “get over” certain things that make us feel sad, lonely, frustrated, and
then we don’t feel them anymore and are “okay”.
I now believe that we may not ever “get over” things fully. That we may be okay for a period and then not
okay for another period. The good doesn’t
last and neither does the bad. It’s okay. It’s life.
And that’s why we have God and each other, to lift up when we’re happy,
and to lean on when we’re not.
Valentine’s Day hit me this year. It often does. (I KNOW it’s a Hallmark holiday. I KNOW it’s commercialized. And no, it was never that big a deal even
when I had someone to celebrate with.)
To be fair, there was a ton of good to my day.
Here’s what I loved:
Getting cards from my students; watching them write things like “You
make me smile,” “BFF,” and “I love you,” to each other; getting a valentine
from a 3rd grader I had last year, choosing laughter over tears putting
book bags together for an intense upcoming unit with a colleague, teaching the
kids that it is “Valentine” not “Valentime” with my work BFF and fellow
super-colleague. This is a sweet, sweet
day in elementary school… the kids really do love each other and want to show
it. Sigh. It is one of my favorite days to be a
teacher. Also, dinner and drinks with
some incredible friends that evening. Good
stuff.
Here’s what I didn’t love:
Driving home that night, in tears, after seeing (seemingly) happy couples
together, and wondering why I still haven’t found mine. (And yes, I realize how pathetic that
sounds. Just keepin it real!)
Ugh, I thought to
myself. I knew I couldn’t be single and happy and chill forever. Here comes the disappointment. But even through the tears, I chose to believe
that this was a temporary moment. I chose
to say to God, “I am so frustrated right now.
I KNOW that you cry with me, and that you have someone for me, and if
there’s any way you can speed it up, please do.
But if not, help me to remember that this is uncomfortable, and
temporary. Tomorrow is another day.” (Very “Annie,” but yes, I did say that, and I
do believe God heard me and it helped.)
And I was a little bit proud of myself for remembering that the sad
moments do NOT last forever. We don’t
have to assume we will be in a funk for three weeks just because we have a “down”
moment. At the same time, we don’t have
to push away our disappointment. We can
allow ourselves to feel it, but remember that tomorrow WILL come.
The next day, I woke up and it was sunny and 55 degrees
outside. A new day indeed. Do I want to find my teammate and start my
family soon? Desperately. But in the meantime, I will hold onto the
hope that God’s got this, and I will remember that while sometimes we’re okay,
and sometimes we’re not, none of it lasts.
Understanding and accepting that is my freedom.
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| source: http://brenda-thethingsiponder.blogspot.com |
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