Showing Up

“I love sunsets, but no matter how badly I want to see one, I can’t make one happen. The best I can do is show up at the right time, set my chair down, and watch God work.”- Glennon Doyle Melton

I have been told, over and over again, by many well-meaning loved ones and strangers, that love will find me when I stop looking, and that when it does, my job will be to recognize it and show up.  I don’t know about love, but I do know that in the middle of July a principal from a school in Monmouth County called me.  With a first grade inclusion position.  Let me write that again: FIRST GRADE.  INCLUSION.  AKA my dream job. (First grade, co-teaching, close proximity to my family, and the beach are all loves of mine.)  I was not looking for a different job this summer, had not put out resumes or applications, but knew without hesitation that this was God guiding my feet and I could NOT turn it down.  So I said yes, signed a lease for an apartment that is super close to school and twenty minutes from my parents, and here I am, ready to switch schools in just a few weeks.

Showing up and saying yes, in this case, was the easy part.  I feel so very blessed by the time I spent at my first school—it will always be the first place I developed my identity as a teacher and I have worked loved harder there than I have anywhere in my life.  However, when offered my dream job out of nowhere, I said yes.  Easy.  The fear, anxiety, and nervousness that have followed… all of that has been a little less easy.

I am leaving A LOT behind.  I had a very encouraging community of colleagues and I made a few friends from school whom I now consider family.  Amazing, strong, confident, hilarious women who have driven me to Trenton, hosted me during Hurricane Sandy, slept over my apartment, introduced me to their own families, helped me move out of my own classroom in a quick, organized way (I am forever grateful), and shared countless nights of laughter over wine.  I am convinced hands-down that our school has the best kids and families in the world.  Almost every day lately something will happen that reminds me of a former student and I am faced with the reality that I won’t see them again and I didn’t get to say goodbye.  And, although I hear that you will love kids wherever you go, I do question whether that is really true.  (Before you roll your eyes, let me just say that we have the most adorable, funny, compassionate, feisty, and overall amazing kids on the planet.  And they will be hard to top.)

I am hopeful (and on most days, pretty confident) that I will be gaining an experience that will broaden my expertise as a teacher.  I will be coming back to the special ed world, a place that was so familiar to me during grad school, but after two years as a general education teacher, brings a new set of challenges.  I really do love first grade and feel it may be the best grade for me to teach—there is nothing like watching students come to you in September as babies from kindergarten and leave in June able to read, add, and make friends, all with way more confidence.  I’m grateful to be able to focus on this special year and age-group.  (And I’m sure my new students will be adorable, funny, compassionate, and feisty as well.  Kids are the reason I chose this job. :) )  Being close to my family, my church, my amazing dance classes, and the beach are all other positives.  I’m excited to experience all of it.

Although I am sad and nostalgic to think of leaving my North Jersey friends, I know that we are really not that far from each other and that friendships worth having can withstand the distance.  

I may be cautiously starting to subscribe to the belief that good things really do find us when we stop looking.  All I need to do is keep showing up.  There is good ahead.