Beautiful too

I want to preface this post by saying that I can only speak from my journey.  This is my truth, and the fact that each one of us can have truths that are different, and still respect each other, is what makes life incredible, in my opinion...

On my dating journey I have come to understand that there are several qualities, values, or non-negotiables that each of us look for in a significant other.  In addition to these things, each one of us is looking for a certain dynamic within the relationship.  I remember one friend from college saying to me, “I need someone who is going to put me in my place, take some control, and tell me that we can’t always have it my way.  I don’t want someone who is going to let me make all of the decisions, even if I want to, because I know how I get.”

I remember thinking to myself, that is so not what I want!  (Later, I would realize that my friend and I have different personality types and seek different kinds of friendships and relationships, which is both beautiful and okay.)

Here’s the truth: I am introverted.  I am quiet with people I don’t know yet.  I prefer to be the nurturer, the giver, but, in personal relationships, I usually want someone else to take the reins.  (Just ask my sister.  I’m blessed to say she does that for me!)  I prefer to have a handful of really intimate friends that I see on a frequent basis, and if I am truly honest, one-on-one or in small groups.  I like hanging out with the same girls every weekend, I live for dinners with my family, and I love all of these people (family, friends, or a boyfriend) to come over, stay up late talking, and have multiple cups of coffee in the morning in our pajamas.  I understand that to many, including former boyfriends, this may seem needy or clingy.  What I also understand now is that it is, unapologetically, who I am.

After my college relationship ended, I spent years asking myself what I did wrong.  This was my first relationship, and I was hoping it would last forever.  As I have said before, I have wanted the husband and the babies pretty much since I was old enough to say those words.  If it were up to me, I would have them now, but it’s not.  Thank God.

I beat myself up over not being strong enough as a partner, not bossy enough within the relationship, not choosing a person who fit me well.  I made lists of things I would do differently in my next relationship, most of which revolved around me being more outgoing and independent, and acquiring more control.  I told myself that something was wrong with me before and that the next time around I would fix it—I would be more assertive, I would speak up more.

In the meantime, having not found someone serious, I asked myself and God over and over, “Why has this still not happened?”  (I realize how desperate that sounds… just keepin it real!)

During this time, I have also lived by myself.  I have traveled by myself.  I have made friends with fabulous women in all stages of life.  I have moved away; I have moved back, both for jobs, without consulting anyone other than myself.  I have tried out new churches and gyms without anyone by my side.  I have learned that there may not be a bond stronger than that of single girlfriends who each live alone.  I have hosted friends in my own apartment.

Life changes this summer have caused me to look inward, and I have come to the following conclusion, almost as though I heard it being spoken to me by God:  “There is nothing wrong with you.  You are quiet.  You crave intimacy and hate personal space.  You love to take care of other people.  This is who you are, and even though you are not loud, outgoing, or extroverted, you are beautiful too.”

And THAT, my friends, is (one of) the reason(s) why I’m still single!  I know that if I got married right after college, I would not be the independent woman I am today, and I would not understand and accept who I am, separate from a partner.  Many women are able to accomplish these things within a relationship.  However, for someone like me, introverted and a lover of relationships that are almost too close, it took being alone to really achieve them.

And so it turns out that God was not withholding a blessing from me; He was and is giving me exactly what I need, so that I can choose wisely, and know the kind of dynamic that I want within my relationship.  So that I can say, “I need someone who is going to have a major role in making decisions for our team, but gently encourage me to take control too.  I need someone who is going to be light and laid-back with me, so that I feel safe saying how I feel.  I want someone who is going to get that I want to spend almost every Saturday night with him, and have him around my family a lot, and vice versa.  I want someone who is going to one day understand that I want to stay home with our kids, love that about me, and not make me feel lesser for it.”  

It’s perfect for each of us to be just the way we are.  Here’s to finding partners who can support us in that and not giving up.